When Dana White says the China shows are for China, he’s not fucking kidding. At the very least, you can give the UFC credit for not even pretending you’re supposed to care about anyone or anything on that card. Now join me as I grab both sides of my chair and white-knuckle my way through this preview without saying something inexplicably racist.
UFC FIGHT NIGHT 48: BISPING VS LE
Michael Bisping vs Cung Le
Tell me if you’ve heard this one before: Michael Bisping insists another fighter is talking shit about him, then goes on to talk shit about said fighter at great lengths. I’m on your side, Mike. It’s so crazy that once again another fighter disparaged poor young Count and he was forced to defend his honor. That treacherous Cung Le is known for talking all kinds of shit to his opponents, it’s only fair for sweet, young baby-faced Michael to defend himself. It’s just crazy that once again, for the 21st fight in a row, his opponent has mistaken him for some sort of loud mouthed ruffian instead of the gentle soul he really is. What is life but a serious of coincidences?
Cung Le has been doing martial arts his entire life, but his cardio has been suspect even in the prime of his MMA career. Sanshou looks really cool, but it doesn’t prepare you for a grown ass man getting you in the clinch and pinning you against the cage like a big brother pushing his little bro around. Hey, you can’t get grounded if the little shit can’t prove you did anything. No bruises, no cuts, just a quick reminder of who gets first dibs on the N64 in this house.
Le is always hailed for his “unorthodox” style, which translates roughly to stupid bullshit axe kicks that work against people like Scott Smith but not against real actual professional MMA fighters. I relish in making fun of Bisping, and you can bet that I’m going to use this fight as an opportunity to post Hendo making him eat a fistful of Freedom, but he’s a solid 2nd rung fighter. He’s never beaten top competition but he can give those next level guys serious fits and has significantly improved his rasslin.
Cung Le may be 42 but he looks like Master Roshi about to teach Bisping and his dumb haircut the Kamehameha Wave.
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| It's a shame that Cung Le retired, but this new guy Jackie Chun is insane |
Obviously it would be hilarious to watch him crescent kick Bisping so hard that we get a year of new photoshops, but if Bisping can survive all 3 minutes of Le’s gas tank and stupid Tekken bullshit moves he will bully him around and make it real ugly real fast.
Bisping by TKO
Dong Hyun Kim vs Tyron Woodley
This matchup really makes no sense but who cares. There’s pretty much two ways this fight could go, and it all depends on which incarnation of Tyron Woodley shows up. He could either land a monstrous right hand on Stun Gun and make his knees slap together as he crumples into a pile of concussion, or he could go in there and look like he’s never been in a fight before. Either way, lets just hope it’s better than the Jake Shields fight.
Stun Gun won’t be able to push Woodley around like his previous opponents, but hopefully we get a nice judo toss in here somewhere. Should be a fun fight, it’s going to be a shame to not watch it.
Kim by Unanimous Decision
As for the rest of the card?
3 GOD DAMNED WIKIPEDIA PAGES
If you’re not going to pretend I should watch these, I’m not going to pretend to research them.
Zhang Lipeng vs Brendan O’Reilly
As much as that makes me want to pick him, I was even more excited when I read Brendan O’Reilly's name, as it's the most Irishy Irish name I’ve ever seen. And then I Googled him and see he’s Australian. God dammit, you can’t even give me a paragraph of Fitzpatrick McGuinness jokes. I fucking hate Fight Pass cards.
O’Reilly by whatever who cares
Ning Guangyou vs Yang Jianping
This is the TUF China featherweight finale. As God is my witness, I had absolutely zero recollection that TUF China was a thing that ever happened. I nearly did a spit take as I read it, thinking that MMAJunkie was just fucking with me. But no, not only was this a thing that happened, but the finale was back in March. Why even bother doing this fight now? Nobody would ever know, just give them both contracts and let them fight Jose Aldo in a 2 on 1 handicap match.
Yang by UD because fuck it, why not?
UFC FIGHT NIGHT 49: HENDERSON VS DOS ANJOS
Benson Henderson vs Rafael dos Anjos
Here’s my stone cold pick of the day of the week coors light cold hard fact lock of the century: this fight is probably going to go the distance.
So, who is Rafael dos Anjos again? No offense, but can you tell me anything about him? Anything at all? If I wrote that the exact same thing that I wrote about any of the undercard fighters last week, would you believe me? Shit, I could just copy/paste facts about Khabib Nurmagomedov and I’d even believe myself.
Look, we all know how this is going to go. Bendo is going to keep it standing until he starts losing exchanges, then he’s going to take dos Anjos down and keep him there until the round ends. Dos Anjos will keep it competitive, but Bendo has more experience not only against top tier lightweights, but going five rounds and it will come down to a close split decision. Bendo will barely edge him out and then he will get on the mic and start talking about Jesus and about some imaginary feud he has with the media.
Henderson by Christ who strengthens me and through him all things are possible
Mike Pyle vs Jordan Mein
Your co main event of the evening. Wait, really? Fuck. Dana, can I get these cards a la carte and just take Bendo vs dos Anjos and Woodley vs Stun Gun and call it a day?
Both fighters have more than 30 fights, but most of Pyle’s came from the early days of MMA. I’m not going to say those fights don’t count, but lets not pretend that Matt Horwich and Shonie Carter are in any way comparable to today’s fighters.
Pyle lacks power or athleticism, but has been referred to as an “idiot savant” by Martin Kampmann. So he’s not really good at anything you need to be good at to succeed in MMA, but if you drop a bunch of toothpicks on the ground he can count them real fast.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Pyle and his sweet, sweet mullet, but he’s going to get his ass kicked.
Mein by KO
Francis Carmont vs Thales Leites
I completely forgot Leites snuck back into the UFC after that Anderson Silva fight. I'd much rather re-live that glorious fight than pretend to care about this one.
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| It never stops making me laugh |
Leites’ only real strength is his ground game. If he gets you there he can pretty much keep you there. The problem is the whole getting you there part. Carmont is better at literally everything else. Not only am I going to take the high ground and not make a bunch of French jokes, but I’m going to pick my boy Franky Cars to win. How do you like that progressive outlook?
Carmont by UD
Max Holloway vs Clay Collard
This could 100% unironically be one of the best fights on the card. These two guys are strikers who should go in there and light each other up for 15 minutes. Now that I’ve said that, the MMA Gods will spit in my face as they tentatively jab and go for weak single legs.
Holloway by UD
James Vick vs Valmir Lazaro
Another fight that should be a barnburner. Can’t wait for it to be end up being 15 minutes of lay and pray while a bunch of fat people in Kevin Durant jerseys chant USA. Just kidding, Lazaro is from Nova Uniao so he will most likely commit a hate crime all over Vick’s face.
Lazaro by UD
Chas Skelly vs Tom Niinimaki
Just for shits and giggles, I googled a random name generator. I’m sure even if you read the fighters’ names above you’ve already forgotten them. Your brain only has a finite amount of space to store information and it made the decision then and there not to include them. See if you can guess which ones are real
Martti Kaarlo
Moss Abraham
Leighton Newton
Chas Skelly
Hermanni Jussi
Tom Niinimaki
Jere Marko
Joni Manu
Brice Mark
Barney Jerald
I’m not going to lie, I had to look back up to remember who Chas was fighting. I don’t know anything about either of these men. They could both be decent, upstanding citizens who spend their downtime volunteering at homeless shelters. But I will be god damned if I support a man named Chas.
Niinimaki by whatever
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