Uncle Dana continues his WWE House Show brand of UFC cards. What's that kids, you wanna see Steve Austin and The Rock? Tough shit. You'll get your picture taken with Billy Gunn and Taka Michinoku and you'll like it. UFC is on the marquee, you'll give us your money.
It's amazing to see what was at one point the fastest growing sport in the world get a deal with FOX and then market their product solely towards a bunch of drunks sitting at home on Friday night who accidentally read St. Preux as St. Pierre.
But the most offensive part to me isn't this shitty main event. It's the fact that they finally go to Maine - the home of Stephen King and fish sticks - and they don't even book Tim Sylvia. You're going to make me pretend to give a shit about any of these fights, but I can't watch The Maine-iac throw them bungalows on some nobody they scraped up from a local promotion? I guess I'll just have to be content in taking a shot every time an announcer says "a banger in Bangor" and hope I die of alcohol poisoning.
Robbie Peralta vs Thiago Tavares
The winner of this fight will make a strong case for themselves to fight for the interim featherweight title after Aldo sneezes too hard and fractures 3 ribs. Tavares has been in the UFC forever, yet he’s only a year older than Peralta. Tavares is all about landing takedowns and looking for subs. His striking is pretty weak, but he’s not lost on his feet. Peralta is a good ole fashioned sprawl n brawler. His style is a throwback to the type of fighting you’d see back when Tavares first debuted back in 2007. The underdog Peralta has insane knockout power and takes this fight by KO.Shawn Jordan vs Jack May
Friendly reminder that this barn burner is on your TV while Sara McMann, whose last fight was a fucking title fight, fights an undefeated Invicta champ in Lauren Murphy on FOX Sports 2. I swear to God I didn’t even realize FOX Sports 2 still existed. You might as well tell me it’s on Fuel TV or Versus or TNN. Let’s be honest: nobody cares about this fight. It’s two bad heavyweights who will have a bad fight and get all fat tired all over each other until one of them gasses in the second round and can’t keep his big fat hands up and eats a punch that makes them timber like an old oak tree. Eeny meeny miny moe, Jordan wins by TKO.Seth Baczynski vs Alan Jouban
Speaking of why the fuck is this on your TV. Sorry about your first ever UFC, Bangor. Thanks for being loyal fans back before The Ultimate Fighter made us a global phenomenon, here's your StrikeForce Challengers token of our good will. Baczynski, who I had completely forgotten was still in the UFC, will probably get cut if he loses, and not a soul on Earth will notice. This fight really comes down to experience. Baczynski has gotten beat by a whole lot of people, but going the distance and losing against someone like Mike Pierce means way more to me than winning in RFA and Shark Fights. As much shit as I’ve talked about it, this fight could end up exciting. But exciting or not - who cares? What are the odds anyone remember this fight come next week? Baczynski wins by UD and keeps his job.
Tim Boetsch vs Brad Tavares
Yay, a real fight. Remember when Tim Boetsch was a top middleweight? Time makes fools of us all. He’s gone from cream of the crop, a win or two away from a title shot, to fighting for his job. Boetsch’s biggest strength was always his wrestling, but as of recently he’s barely been able to complete a takedown. Tavares is “good” at everything. He has decent power, but lacks one hit KO ability. He has solid takedowns and takedown defense, but won’t grab a leg, throw you down, and hold you there for an entire round. So Tavares has good stand up and takedown defense, and Boetsch can’t do the only thing he excels at. Tavares wins by UD and becomes Mista Steal Yo Job.
Gray Maynard vs Ross Pearson
Let’s be honest, this is the real main event. Ross Pearson wasted no time finding another fight after getting royally fucked over by judges in a decision loss to Diego Sanchez. Like many other fighters on this card, this is a “do or die” fight for Maynard. Not that he’s in any danger of getting cut, but if you’re Gray Maynard and you ever want to get back into the title picture you have to win this fight. Or just sit on the sidelines and stay in shape and wait for everyone else to get hurt. Since moving back to lightweight, Pearson finally has some oomph behind his fists. No longer does he rely on a deadly combination of wrestling and an endless flurry of pillow punches. On the other side of the coin, Maynard’s chin is deteriorating more with every fight. This matchup is a bit of a wrestling stalemate, so it comes down to striking. Pearson has some pop in his punches, and Maynard, who has always been very hittable, is now less able to take those hits and keep coming. Pearson wins by UD.
Ryan Bader vs Ovince Saint Preux
Your main event, everyone: a gatekeeper facing a young fighter who has been hyped up solely to be thrown away on a nothing card. Bader can beat this young fighter with no real legacy or recognition behind him and go on to get fucked apart by Rumble or Lusty Gusty, or he can lose to a young fighter with no real legacy or recognition behind him and hang around FOX Sports cards for another 2 or 3 years before retiring or getting cut, never becoming the fighter we all thought he was supposed to be. Run, don’t walk, to catch this superfight for the ages.Bader is the more technical wrestler and striker, and has more experience. Experience, in this case, refers to losing to any good fighter he’s ever fought. Bader’s chin is a bit suspect and he has a knack for running head first into Machida’s fist like a stupid asshole. Saint Preux has some power behind him and could catch Bader slipping, but Bader should absolutely win this fight. No offense to Ovince, but if you’re Ryan Bader you just can’t lose this fight. It kind of reminds me of the Rashad Davis vs Phil Davis fight from 2012. Phil Davis was a young prospect with heaps of potential who got thrown into the main event against a guy who just outclassed him. Obviously I think Rashad is better than Bader, but that’s besides the point. Bader shouldn’t lose this fight. Then again, he shouldn’t have lost to Tito Fucking Ortiz, either. I’ll say Bader by UD, but nothing would surprise me.
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| All that said though, I'll never forget him making Keith Jardine sprawl an imaginary takedown and land face first |
That about does it. Nothing says FIGHT NIGHT like having to really sit down and think to yourself whether or not you want to watch a UFC main event fight or preseason football. If you think about it, Ryan Bader is kind of the backup quarterback of the light heavyweight division. We appreciate your enthusiasm, now go stand over there and hold that clipboard until Gustaffson breaks his hand and we need you to fill in.
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