Hespect Hangover #2 - It Only Took Mark Hunt 1 Episode to Turn Super Saiyan

If Uncle Dana thinks starting shows at the ass crack of dawn is going to keep me from getting embarrassingly drunk for the main event he is sorely mistaken

UFC FIGHT NIGHT 52

In the land of the rising Sun, a faraway planet called Namek, Mark Hunt gathered the energy of all living creatures and unloaded a spirit bomb onto Roy Nelson’s chin that hit him so hard it took his brain a couple of seconds to process he was dead. 

It's Roy Nelson's first ever knockout loss and boy did he make it count. Mark Hunt is now legitimately, uniroincally, hilariously in the UFC Heavyweight title picture. Sure he’s 40 and riding a whopping one fight win streak, but if we can pretend Andrei Arlovski is a viable contender then there’s no reason to not anxiously await Hunt getting destroyed by Velasquez. Hunt is the fucking Super Samoan. Arlovski is Tien at BEST.  

Yoshihiro Akiyama dominated Amir Sadollah for three straight rounds, which is an ass kicking that has to leave Amir wondering if he’s right for this whole fighting thing. Akiyama, with his first win since 2009, got up front of his home country in an emotional moment and demanded a fight with…Wanderlei Silva. Who had just retired that day. Whoops. While we won’t get a dream match from 2007, we’ll probably get to watch him get thrown around by Jordan Mein and continue to confuse Amir Sadollah for Efrain Escudero when he pops up on Legacy FC cards. 

We had 3 legends in Japanese MMA in 3 fights. Akiyama looked like the icon Hero was shaping him to be, Mark Hunt delivered a walkoff KO for the ages, so surely Gomi stepped up to the plate and completed the triumvirate. Or he'll get the shit kicked out of him in 90 seconds. 

Miesha Tate dominated like every thought she would, then asked for a fight Cat Zingano. She specifically asked to fight someone else who had already gotten the shit kicked out of them by the champion. It's basically the third place game in the World Cup except I'll actually watch this.

That about wraps up Fight Night. There were some good knockouts on the undercard and it was a pretty solid show if you were lucky enough to be a degenerate piece of shit who drank throughout the night instead of just going to sleep early and waking up to watch it. Bellator had a card with some no names and washups the night before. UFC started really early and I didn't want to miss anything, I hope I didn't miss any good knocko- 

OH GOD HE'S DEAD

RETIREMENT, DOMESTIC ABUSE, AND GUNS. GOD BLESS MMA

Wanderlei Silva retired in a 13 minute YouTube video, because how else would you expect the man responsible for more heinous knockouts than anyone in history to walk away from the sport. 

Did he mention anything about dodging drug tests or the impending punishment by the athletic commission? Did he mention his own decline as a fighter and how he's pretty much just a shell of what he used to be? 

"My career is over because I don’t have a stage to perform where the athletes get the proper respect.” 

Oh, I guess that makes sense, too. It has nothing to do with fighting 6 times in 5 years and looking good in exactly one of those. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're about to get suspended forever. It's the UFC's fault for not showing you hespect. Even in retirement we get traditional Brazilian excuses. Gotta love it. 

In between Manhoef and Hunt murdering people and Wandy hetiring, UFC terminated Thiago Silva’s contract and suspended Rumble Johnson indefinitely. You might remember Silva being reinstated because the charges against him were dropped when his wife was “uncooperative.” And by uncooperative I mean fled the country because she legitimately feared for her life. Then a video surfaced of him cocking a loaded gun while arguing with her.  “How do you not let the guy fight again?” indeed, Dana. 

Rumble allegedly knocked two of his baby’s mama’s teeth out back in 2012. She recently filed a police report recently that  "she is receiving threats which she believes are coming from Johnson's friends." I guess that clears up the Light Heavyweight picture a bit. 

UPCOMING FIGHTS

Let's wrap this up with some fights you'll feel good about. Cris 'Cyborg' Justino will make her bantamweight debut at Invicta 10 on Fight Pass this December. Look forward to her absolutely ragdolling some poor girl and Dana immediately turning around and saying he's been a big supporter of her all along. 

Speaking of fights everyone wants, Overeem vs Struve at UFC on FOX 13. Just close your eyes and imagine it. Imagine a guy who just got knocked out by Ben Rothwell versus a human windmill who collapsed in the locker room before his fight. Just IMAGINE this shitshow. Paint the picture in your mind's eye of one of this big ole helicopter hands landing square on Overeem's big dumb face after he spends 10 minutes dominating Struve. I'm so excited I can barely contain it.

That's it for this week. See you guys Friday to break down Demetrious Johnson fighting some other flyweight nobody has ever heard of. Oh, and a little fight between these two scrubs named Eddie Alvarez and Donald Cerrone. Sounds boring.