 |
| CONOR MCGREGOR (and also Dennis Siver) |
What's up, Boston? We know you've been waiting for some fights and we're here to bring them to you on a very special Sunday presentation. What's that, the Patriots are playing a home playoff game with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line? Hmm, that's interesting. Well riddle me this, why watch the same tired AFC matchups when you can tune in to Cathal Pendred vs Sean Spencer? I mean, if you were a real fight fan you'd do it. If you want that goofy shit like Kimbo Slice go over to Bella-Snore, then when you're ready to put on your big boy pants and watch the best athletes in the world turn that dial to FOX Sports where all the best fighters like Matt Van Buren, Chris Wade, and Ron Stallings throw down.
Conor McGregor vs. Dennis Siver
for a Featherweight title shot but only if Conor wins
Do you think if Siver wins he'll get to hang out on private planes with Dana and Lorenzo and instagram pics of their hot j/o sessions?
The only real question in this fight (besides how fast will McGregor finish Siver) is how many of you are going to hate-watch it solely out of spite? I don't know about you but I'm going to sit with my nose pressed against the screen and glare, unblinking, huffing and puffing like a big bad wolf waiting for Siver to take McGregor down and choke him out. Yes, for 3 whole minutes I will stare at the screen until Conor knocks him the fuck out in spectacular fashion and I will get mad and yell at no one in particular because the thing that I thought was going to happen happened. I will sit here furious that this guy is getting fast-tracked to a title shot because of his popularity completely unaware of the hypocrisy of how excited I was to watch Brock Lesnar destroy Randy Couture's face and coincidentally how much I'm looking forward to CM Punk's debut. I'm a piece of shit.
Conor's going to win. You know it, I know it, Dana knows it, Dennis knows it, Aldo knows it. But let's head to Imaginationland for a hot minute and visualize the alternative. Could you imagine Conor eating an uppercut and Siver taking his back and tapping him? Could you imagine the soulless look in Dana White's dead eyes as his handlers try to explain to Jose Aldo in botched Portuguese that there's been a change of plans and they don't need him in the Octagon? Dennis telling Dana that he deserves a title shot while a half-full arena in Boston starts booing and calling him a 'fuckin nazi fahget" and walking into the bitter Boston air to see if the Fuckin Pats are winning.
Unfortunately for us none of that will happen. Siver was hand picked because everything he's bad at is where Conor excels. Conor's stupid god damned face is going to be plastered all over everything for the next couple of months until Jose Aldo decapitates him in front of a deathly silent Dublin crowd.
McGregor by murder in the 2nd round
Donald Cerrone vs. Benson Henderson
Cerrone grabbed a case of Steveweisers, his hang glider, and a wakeboard and hopped into his RV and road tripped all the way to Boston. There he'll face the former champion who bested him twice in WEC. If all goes according to plan and Donald makes it to the Octagon without passing out backstage, he will have as many fights in 2015 as Cain Velasquez has since 2013.
Fuck the main event, make this five rounds instead. I know Conor is Dana's pretty boy but there isn't a soul on earth who wouldn't want 25 minutes of this. It's not like Siver is getting into the fourth round anyways.
The biggest upside of this quick turnaround for Cerrone is it's too short notice to let him get into his own head. I feel you, Donald. That's why everything in my life is done last minute, that way there's no time for me to spend night after night staring at the ceiling wondering if I'm going to be able to accomplish any-oh yeah the fight.
There are two constants about Cerrone: he starts slow and he doesn't deal well with being pushed backwards towards the cage. Bendo does both of those things well. But Henderson isn't nearly as aggressive as he used to be back when he was climbing the ranks in the division, now he fights much more cautiously and is more apt to try to win on points. If any fighter is the antithesis of trying to win on points, it's Cerrone.
Since beginning his impressive streak, Cerrone has fought with more confidence after every fight. He looks more and more dominant each time out, and it seems as if he's finally gotten past his mental barrier as he decimates top level fighter after top level fighter. There's a New Donald Cerrone in town, mother fuckers. The New Cerrone won't lose a split decision while Bendo backpedals and chews on his toothpick. The new Cerrone will push the pace and throw with enough volume that no judge could look at Henderson and think "well he hasn't really landed any takedowns but look at that Octagon control, he's really dictating this fight."
Cerrone by handing Bendo a beer, giving him the finger and delivering a Stunner in the 3rd round.
Uriah Hall vs. Ron Stallings
I'm going to be straight with you guys, I'm still not entirely sure Stallings is a real person. Considering how shitty the athletic commissions have looked lately, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he was some homeless person they paid to fight a la Mickey Rourke in Russia.
Hall made a name for himself by stampeding through Ultimate Fighter Season Whatever and laying a handful of souls to eternal rest in that house. Here's an industry secret: everyone he backfisted into an early grave during that season was buried in the floor boards and the entire house is cursed Poltergeist style to this very day.
Hall has under-performed in the UFC since then and lacked any sort of killer instinct. Normally I hate that kind of cliched bullshit but even he's acknowledged it. This is his fight to lose. He needs to win and win in spectacular fashion. If he drags ass against this last second replacement to a last second replacement he might as well call up Scott Coker before he even makes it out of the arena.
Hall by underwhelming TKO in the 2nd round
Norman Parke vs. Gleison Tibau
Norman Parke won Ultimate Fighter: The Smashes, which I assumed was either a joke or a misprint. After Googling it I can confirm it is a real thing that actually happened and has nothing to do with Smash Mouth, which is unfortunate. Gleison Tebow on the other hand is from a completley different era, debuting in 2006 and somehow still being employed. He will never sniff a title in his life but his ability to withstand almost a decade of cuts without ever making a name for himself is fucking heroic.
Stormin' Norman has never fought a wrestler of Tibau's calibur and will most likely get ragdolled around the Octagon for 3 rounds. Tibau has scored 80 takedowns in his UFC career, the second-most in the company's history behind GSP. He may have a lot of fights, but none of them had the luxury of lasting 25 minutes.
Tibau by landing 17 consecutive takedowns in a unanimous decision that convinces you to check out the Colts Patriots game.
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment