This weekend we saw not one but two MMA veterans get knocked the fuck out, a can’t-possibly-be-bad fight that actually ended up delivering, and we said goodbye to one of the best months of MMA in recent memory with back to back cards full of people beating the shit out of each other.
UFC on FOX 12
Did you guys hear about this fight with Robbie Lawler and Matt Brown? Apparently it was pretty cool. It was a 25 minute slobberknocker that easily won “Fight of the Night." As amazing a fight as it was, Robbie Lawler reminded us that he is indeed the second best welterweight in the world as he Dude Wiped the floor with Brown in the Championship Rounds and clenched a unanimous decision victory and another shot at Johny Hendricks.
I’d tell you you need to drop everything and watch this fight, but my guess is if you’ve found this blogspot with less than 10 posts, chances are you were aware of the giant #1 contender fight on FOX. This fight left us with a lot of questions: Who does Matt Brown fight next? How much better would Brown be if he joined a real gym instead of flipping tires in corn fields in Ohio? Is Lawler the most entertaining fighter of the year? Are Dude Wipes some kind of bullshit postmodern alternative comedy, or are there truly no depths a man won’t sink to to make a quick buck off of the people who buy kettlebells with gorilla faces on them?
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| It truly leaves you at a loss for words |
Lil Nog managed to make it into the ring in one piece for the first time in a year but left a broken shell of a man thanks to Rumble Johnson. Watching a giant black man punch and old leather purse in the face over and over again was exactly as depressing as I thought it would be. It was one of two fights this weekend that ended in an exciting flurry and after the initial adrenaline wore off and you processed what happened you stared into your beer with a forlorn look on your face.
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| DID YOU SEE THAT FUCKING UPPER...cut...oh....oh man |
Everyone likes to see someone get their ass kicked, but nobody likes to watch their cool uncle who bought you your first beer get murked by Apollo Creed.
Rumble became the first fighter in UFC history with 4 KOs victories in less than a minute. Lil Nog joins the MMA Mount Rushmore of Yoshiyuki Yoshida, Tommy Speer, and Chad Reiner. Uncle Dana insists Rumble needs another win before he gets a title shot, but who would he even fight? The only fight that makes sense is the winner of Bader vs Ovince St Preux, a fight I still can’t believe is actually a real thing. So basically, tune in to Fight Pass to watch these men vie for the chance to get 7th grade punched out of their brains.
Speaking of fan favorites getting thoroughly abused up and down the Octagon, Clay Guida got choked out by Dennis Bermudez. Bermudez completely negated Guida’s one strength and finished him with a rear naked choke in the second round. In a perfect world, Bermudez will go on to completely shithouse McGregor in spectacular fashion, but there’s no way Uncle Dana lets that cash cow get knocked back to the prelims any time soon.
Bobby Green vs Josh Thomson could have gone either way. It could have even been a draw. Either way, I’m sure the biggest story coming out of this fight will be old white people complaining about the audacity of that black guy to talk shit in the cage in the middle of the fight. You two can cause irreparable physical and mental harm to each other that will be self medicated with painkillers and prescription drugs, but PLEASE be gentlemen about it!
Bellator 122
Andrey Koreshkov went in there an did the damn thing and beat Adam McDonough’s ass all over the cage for 15 minutes for a clean 30-27 sweep. He wins the welterweight tourney and will go on to face champ Douglas Lima.
The Shlemenko Hat Trick will have to wait as Brett Cooper went in there and got armbarred in 2 minutes by Brandon Halsey.
Speaking of getting finished in 2 minutes, I was with my girlfriend Liam McGeary unleashed a barrage of knees after tagging Egidijus Valavicius with a monster uppercut. He’s now 8-0 with 8 stoppages and will go on to face Kelly Anundson, who won in the prelims after Lins’ knee gave out early in the first round.
And then we have…Karo Parisyan vs Phil Baroni. Oh man. It was the opener of the televised card and started off everyone’s weekend with a big heaping helping of sad. It’s Friday night, baby. Just got paid, cashed my check, lets go to the fuckin bar and get wild. Gonna pound some beers, maybe get some numbers, and if I’m lucky I’ll…oh. Oh man. I’m just gonna go home and eat some ice cream out of the tub. Deuces.
The most depressing part of the fight is that it was easily Parisyan’s, who was at one point the next big star in his division, biggest win in the last 6 years. Phil Baroni was his biggest victory since Spider-Man 3 came out.
The highlight for me wasn’t any of the first round finishes. No, it was a shot of Art Davie in the crowd holding up a copy of his new book and staring into the camera for 15 seconds. Not making a fist or doing the hang loose sign, but just staring into the camera with those cold, dead eyes.
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| Lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes |
To Retire or Not to Retire
Kyle Kingsbury announced his retirement after one of the most lopsided losses in recent memory. Kingsbury was making his return for the first time in almost 2 years against Patrick Cummins, who you might know as the barista who got hired by UFC to get murdered by Dan Cormier as tribute to the MMA Gods. They were appeased, and now Dan shall fight for the title. Amen. It’s much harder than it should be to get a round scored 10-8 with MMA judging, yet Kingsbury still managed to lose 30-27, 30-25, and 30-24. Thirty-Twenty Four. God Damn.
Good for him to know it’s time to bow out and leave the sport. Speaking of bowing out: the Nogueiras. They’re both legends of the sport and could probably spend the rest of their lives living like kings in Brazil. We’ve watched enough legends slowly deteriorate but continue to fight in worse and worse promotions. Does anybody get excited when they see either of them announced for a card anymore? Who wants to see someone they grew up loving get violently knocked out? They don’t just get knocked out, they hit the ground with a thud and their corner comes rushing out to make sure they’re not dead. It would be like if Power Rangers was still on the air and you tuned in and saw the Green Ranger get beat to death, or watching Goku get murdered in 5 seconds by Frieza and the show ends. Nobody wants to watch their heroes get their ass kicked. Nobody wants to watch their heroes hit the mat and for a split second grip their beer bottle unbelievably tight hoping he’s still breathing.
But I’m sure they’ll both give it one last go. Why run a gym and live comfortably when you can get violently knocked out by a bunch of 20 year olds who are just using you as a stepping stone twice a year? And Phil Baroni? I’m sure he’ll take a nice long look at his performance and the entire scope of his career. Really take a good look at himself in the mirror and reflect on his life. Then he’ll fly over to Japan to get TKOd on a New Year’s Show by a pro wrestler.
Other Headlines
Jose Aldo vs Chad Mendes II has been rescheduled for UFC 179. In Rio. Congrats on your 5 fight win streak, now go into that shithole to get stomped by Aldo while a mob of people chant death wishes at you in Portuguese. Again.
Urijah Faber vs Masenori Kanehara added to Fight Night 52 in Japan. This will probably just be a fight pass show, but let’s be honest: we’re all gonna watch it just for Mark Hunt vs Big Country.
Gina Carano's contract status:
And with that, we say goodbye to July, one of the best months of MMA I can remember
With everything that happened last weekend, it’s easy to forget we got Cerrone finishing Jim Miller twice in one fight AND Machida vs Weidman. Even the overseas Fight Pass card was awesome. Here’s hoping August can keep the momentum going with exciting fi-
Oh.
See you next week for UFC 17-…shit
[Predictions Record 7-2]
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