Man, I haven’t been this excited for a UFC card since that white-knuckler from the other side of the world at 4 in the morning. I’m excited to grill, drink, listen to my dog yelp at the sound of fireworks, and watch these grown ass men throw some bungalows. You can dump that fucking World Cup bullshit in the Boston Harbor, because around here the only red card we need is red-blooded Americans all over this card ready to punch each other in their stupid fucking faces just like our founding fathers would have wanted.
PRELIMS
UFC Fight Pass
Guilherme Vasconcelos vs. Luke Zachrich
Pacific Rim 2 was recently announced, so Guilherme del Toro will be too distracted with that to focus on the fight
Kevin Casey vs. William “Bubba” Bush
Kevin Casey has a wikipedia page
FOX Sports 1
Rob Font vs. George Roop
George Roop head kicked the Korean Zombie into another dimension and Rob Font is a figment of my imagination. Roop knocks him out with his long ass Dhalsim legs
Chris Camozzi vs. Bruno Santos
Chris Camozzi has lost to a who’s who of who gives a shit, but if he can just defend a single leg for three rounds he’ll win. Unfortunately, he’s Chris Camozzi, so he gets wrestled and loses a horrifically boring decision.
Ildemar Alcantara vs. Kenny Robertson
HI IM KENNY ROGERS AND WELCOME TO JACKASS. Who cares.
Alex Caceres vs. Urijah Faber
Urijah Faber has literally run out of people to fight. He wins this early, looks very impressive, then loses his title shot. Just like every fight for the last six years
MAIN CARD
PPV
Marcus Brimage vs. Russell Doane
Imagine this being the opener for one of the biggest cards of the year. Oh, I don’t fucking have to. My prediction is that hopefully this fight will go the distance, as I will be getting more beer and pizza instead of watching it
Uriah Hall vs. Thiago “Marreta” Santos
Hall hasn’t hit the same highs he hit back when he was spin kicking people back into the stone age on The Ultimate Fighter. His biggest claim to fame since then is bringing for The Quickening and finally giving Chris Leben the death he so longed for. Luckily for him, he’s facing a 30 year old who fought on TUF Brazil 2, which I’m 99% sure doesn’t actually exist. Hall wins by a Tombstone Piledriver in the first round and lets Paul Bearer speak to Joe Rogan in his place.
Matt Mitrione vs. Stefan Struve
Meathead came into the UFC with nothing but one punch knockout power and has failed to grow any other part of his game since then. Struve is a Paul Bunyon esque monster but after 31 fights still hasn’t learned to move his god damned head out of the way of a big ole heavyweight christmas ham. Struve’s been out of commission for over a year when he lost to Mark Hunt and his heart grew three sizes that day. He’ll probably do the typical Struve bullshit by windmilling his giant inflatable arms with his chin held squarely in one place, and Meathead will hit him with the five point palm exploding heart technique.
Ronda Rousey vs. Alexis Davis
Davis’ best chance for this victory are either food poison or hoping Rousey bumps into a gypsy on the way to the arena. There’s literally no other way she matches up against Ronda. Ronda will crush her in 2 minutes, continue to dodge Cyborg by calling her a steroid abusing transexual, and then act in some more movies. Because why face real competition when you can have the President of the company make soul crushing insults on camera and then book you against someone who doesn’t have any business even being on the same card as you.
Chris “The All American” Weidman vs. Lyoto Machida
Machida’s move to middleweight has been impressive, there’s no denying that. Just like there’s no denying 25 minutes of being pinned to the ground by the U.S. of Fucking A. All that fancy footwork and counterpunching won’t help when you’re on your back while freedom washes over you o’er amber waves of grain. You can dance around for a bit, stuffing takedowns and landing some counter punches to make Weidman think twice about diving for that leg again, but it’s a five round fight. Sooner or later he’s gonna wear you down, take you to the mat, overthrow your dictator, and inject a big heaping dose of democracy on your thankful ass. Say what you want about how he won, but Weidman beat the best fighter in the world twice in a row, he’s not going to pull a Ryan Bader and run straight into Machida’s fist. The night ends with Buffer holding Weidman’s hand to the sky as Uncle Sam puts his title belt on him while a bald eagle named small government lands atop the Octagon and sheds a single tear. God Bless America And No One Else. Amen. Semper Fi.
Chael Sonnen vs. Wanderlei Silva
oh wait lmao
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