Claudia Gadelha vs Tina Lahdemaki
Both are undefeated strawweight prospects, but Claudia is a BJJ black belt under Nova Uniao founder Andre Pederneiras, and that entire camp scares the shit out of me. Gadelha by submission/traditional Uniao violence.
Yosdenis Cedeno vs Jerrod Sanders
Yosdenis' name may just be a bad Scrabble hand, but at least it's not "Jerrod." Luckily for The Colonel, Cedeno is about as clueless on his back as I am, and I've never trained a day in my life and I mostly resemble a turtle who can't roll back onto his feet. Oh, and Sanders is an All-American wrestler from Oklahoma State. Womp womp. Sanders by unanimous decision.
Aljamain Sterling vs Hugo Viana
I don't know anything about either of these people except that Sterling trains with Matt Serra and Ray Longo, so any outcome that gets the two of them on TV more is the best outcome. Sterling by split decision.
Jessamyn Duke vs Leslie Smith
I'm staying on the stupid fucking names train and picking Jessamyn for solely that reason. Well, that reason and because of how badly Sarah Kaufman whipped Leslie Smith's ass all around the Octagon.
Pat Healy vs Gleison Tibau
Healy is 0-4 in the UFC after his win against Jim Miller was overturned by blazing that shit all day every day 420 fuck pigs. Tibau has the second most takedowns in UFC history behind a guy named Georges St. Pierre and has statistically the all-time best takedown defense in the division. Tim Tibau by unanimous decision in his 22nd fight in the UFC. Healy can use his free time after getting cut to sit in on Joe Rogan's podcast and get really high and talk about mushrooms being left on Earth by aliens.
Lucas Martins vs Alex White
Featherweights with a combined 24-1 record and 22 finishes between them. Every word in that sentence gets my nips super hard. If the main event doesn't win fight of the night then this probably will. Martins has a tendency to just bang, bro, and will eat a lot of big shots in the process. White has 5 subs on top of his nasty boxing, and will win by TKO.
John Lineker vs Alptekin Ozkilic
Ozkilic sounds like a Game of Thrones character. If he comes to the Octagon dressed like Khal Drogo with a white haired 13 year old at his side I won't be the least bit surprised. Lets all give Lineker a round of applause for officially making weight in over half of his fights. Lineker could easily climb the ranks of a division that seems to become thinner by the day if he'd quit shoveling food in his gullet. I want to pick Ozkilic so bad. Mostly because his nickname is "The Turkish Delight." Every part of me wants to support that, but there's a reason Lineker's nickname is "Hands of Stone." Maybe that's why he misses weight so much hey ooooooooooooooooooooooh
Justin Salas vs Joe Proctor
That's weird, this is listed under the main card. That must be a mistake. Proctor has no knockout power and is a worse wrestler, so that seems to spell out "go get more pizza" for me. Thanks for the 15 minute intermission.
Rick Story vs Leonardo Mafra
Rick Story has been and up and coming fighter for about 5 years now. He had so much potential but it seems like the rest of the division evolved without him. Mafra has some hype coming into this fight, but he's making his debut against a veteran with experience against some very legitimate talent. Story beat Johny Hendricks, Mafra beat some Brazilian guy who dresses like a pirate.Story has only been finished once in his career and I don't expect a guy making his UFC debut to add himself to the list.
Edson Barboza vs Evan Dunham
Speaking of "future of his division who never made the jump to the elite," welcome back Evan Dunham. Both fighters are fresh off of getting submitted by Cowboys Cerrone and looking to bounce back. I'm less confident about this fight than some of the prelims with guys who don't even have Wikipedia pages. Barboza is good on his feet and Dunham is too slow to keep up. But Barboza lost to Jamie Varner in The Year of Our Lord 2012. There is no greater shame in life. If he was a Japanese fighter he would've committed seppuku right there in front of God, Joe Rogan, and everybody. So with that in mind I begrudgingly pick Dunham, though I have absolutely no faith in him in any way shape or form.
Donald Cerrone vs Jim Miller
Alright let's be honest, this is the only reason we're tuning in. That, and the fact that we're degenerate human beings who will watch any half-assed card thrown onto basic cable because we need to feed the addiction. Because watching these grown men get all sweaty on each other is the only thing that makes us feel. A lot of times you see that stupid line get thrown out about certain fighters "he loves fighting so much I bet he'd do it for free." As tired as that joke is, I absolutely 100% believe if the fight of the night notice was a case of ice cold Steveweisers, Cerrone would be on every card. He would be a wandering samurai, going from city to city submitting undercard fighters like a redneck David Carradine. Cerrone and Miller have a combined 47 wins with 35 finishes. Thirty. Five. How the fuck have neither of these guys fought for the title?
"Cowboy" has a habit of freezing up in big time fights. Luckily for him, this is just FOX Sports 1. Cerrone is always willing to stand and bang but will submit a motherfucker just like that. Jim Miller's only real chance is to make it butt ugly and grind out a decision, but 25 minutes is just too long to go without getting caught. At some point he's either gonna get rocked or get subbed, it's just a question of how late into the fight it happens. I'm unbelievably hyped for this fight and has all the makings of a potential fight of the year candidate, so go get some donald cerron-ay
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